One month in and so far, I’ve learned a lot, loved a lot, and lost a lot. High highs and low lows. But still, I find a level of comfort within this chaos.
Something that I’ve really had to adjust to coming from an American lifestyle to a European is to relax. In America, the work culture is so intense, and everyone is expected to have their whole life perfectly strung together in an extensive list of high achievements before we even learn how to walk. So, when I have to go to Spanish shoplifting court, or I spill 1.5Ls of water on my brand-new MacBook, or I feel slightly incompetent in my language abilities, the world feels like it is slowly but surely crumbling around me, and I’ve disappointed everyone in my family line.
But I’ve really spent the last week trying not to be so hard on myself. I’m a 21-year-old girl who’s moved countries twice, by myself, and with all things considered, I’m doing pretty well. For every court date, there’s an unforgettable night of sunsets and sangria. For every broken laptop, a breathtaking discovery of a new, favourite statue. And for every Spanish word you cannot remember, there’s a new one learned.
I think the struggle with most Erasmus semesters is to find the balance in it all. To focus on school, which for me is all in Spanish and surprisingly draconian. But, at the same time, being social, traveling as much as possible, and establishing a life. It can become so overwhelming and fearsome to place more energy into one of these aspects than another for the fear of wasting time. Spending too much time on school, not enough on travel or socializing, or vice versa.
Though now, a full month later, I feel I have my feet on the ground. I’ve found great friends, I’m attending all my classes, found my favorite places to go out, and can mostly navigate my way beyond the GPS. But I can’t help but to fear that the progress I’ve made in establishing my life in Spain has hindered my opportunities to see more.
I’m the kind of person who will never be happy with myself unless I’ve done it all, which surprise, you usually can’t. I’m really starting to love my little temporary life in Spain, and I’m sure I’ll be mournful in my departure come June. But I hope within this time of independence and growth, I learn to be happy with my efforts and to be proud of my feats given circumstances I cannot control. Because that is life.
Life happens all around us and even though it might be slower and sweeter in Galway, it doesn’t stop for any of us. And it is hard. It’s hard to explain to the man at the apple store, while you cry, what happened to your laptop in your second language. It’s hard to turn down a trip to Morocco because your schoolwork pours densely into your weekend. It’s hard to watch your friends in Galway living a life you know all too well. But I believe in myself and my ability to prevail. And though I want to make the most of this opportunity and to prosper during the exam season, my biggest goal is to gain self-compassion. To recline in the fact that I’m doing the best I can and that truly is okay.
But at the same time, I hope to never lose the chaos. I hope simply to find the antithesis in being responsible and spontaneous, because that is where true success lies.
